Life is going well, in retrospect.
I have amazing friends, I fucking love my roommates, I’ve been free ever since I’ve moved back to Stockton, I’ve been going out and enjoying it, I’m doing really well in school, I’m getting involved in activities… things have just been going pretty awesome.
But I still feel so fucking empty. One more week and I’ve been single for a month. And even if I’ve accepted the fact that everything’s done and we’re never getting back together, it still hurts. I keep busy in the daytime, I drink to sleep early, and I wake up for class. But any moment that I spend idle or alone, I still get so upset at him for making the choices that he did. I still wake up and I just wanna cry until it’s time to get ready. I still lay in bed at night thinking “How could you…” I just can’t understand why he had to go fuck up everything when we were completely happy. The weird part is I don’t even feel bad for myself… I feel bad that he was such a fucking idiot.
I still talk to him every day. We hung out all weekend with his friends and family. I had fun, but we’re not affectionate so it’s just peculiar. We try to keep things cordial, but goddamn I am so fucking angry with him. I’ve always considered myself to be a positive person, but it’s challenged my sense of character to find out how unforgiving and spiteful I can be. I don’t see myself forgiving what had happened, which I guess is unnecessary since I haven’t received an apology. Maybe one day when I’ve fully moved on with my life and he becomes irrelevant.
I tried to fill this void in my love life by dating other people, two in particular (both hot, both fun, and both approved by my friends lol). But I think I’m just going on dates to convince myself that there are better guys out there for me. Point proven way too early, but I’m just not ready. So then what? I hate how it’s not satisfying enough to “just do me.”
